How do I help my child be happy?

Read time: 4 minutes 26 seconds

Today is the UN International Day of Happiness.

This morning, I went for a walk on the beach in Thongsala. As I was dodging a rotting dead fish with one eye and assessing the risk levels of the stray dogs with the other, I found myself thinking about what happiness actually means to me.

There are the obvious things that make me SO happy. Smushing my face into my toddler's little fat cheek. My daughter whispering 'I love you, mummy' as she drifts off to sleep. Hanging out with my besties. Paddling in the sea with my family with a banging sunsets in the background. 

Those things definitely make me happy. But this morning I thought a little deeper about what happiness means to me now, as I near the end of my 30s with two kids in tow.

And then I had a vivid memory of something I’ve said during multiple times of hardship. 

I just want to be happy.

What I mostly remembered was giving this response particularly when people asked what I wanted. Rather than being able to say what I wanted, I just felt that what I wanted was to be happy. But what did I actually mean? Was I hoping for a life without challenges? Did I believe happiness was something external—something that would arrive if only the right conditions were met? Or was I searching for a sense of peace, of stability, of being able to handle whatever came my way?

The Problem With "I Just Want to Be Happy"

Like most people, I’ve had plenty of periods of unhappiness. Multiple early childhood ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) that shaped my relationships and mental health (thank goodness for therapy!). A miscarriage. Losing people I love dearly. Periods of chronic illness. Loads of really unfun stuff that life throws at us.

Now, I know we just jumped from talking about happiness to talking about more difficult topics, and this is getting a bit deep. But bear with me, there’s a point, I promise.

In my hardest moments, I truly believed that happiness was the answer. That if I could just be happy, everything would be fine. But what did that actually mean?

I think what I really wanted was for all the hard things to disappear. But that’s not how life works, is it? With the bad comes the good.

And yet, every time I told myself I just want to be happy, I was looking for it in the wrong place. I was waiting for happiness to appear, expecting it to wash away everything else.

But, as Bear says in Almost Anything, the magic is inside us.

What I Needed Wasn’t Happiness, It Was Resilience

What I really wanted to tell my old self on the beach this morning was:

Mate, it’s not happiness you need, it’s a bit more resilience.

Because when I said, I just want to be happy, what I actually meant was, I want everything to be easy and all the hard stuff to go away.

But life is hard.

There will always be hardships, loss, grief, ill-health, disappointments. All that tough stuff we wish we could protect our little kids from, and really, ourselves too. Everyone, no matter who they are, has struggles. We have all been unhappy at times. We will all be unhappy again at some point in the future.

We can either fear that or we can build resilience so that when those moments come, we can handle them. We can bounce back quicker.

This idea aligns closely with Stoicism, an ancient philosophy that teaches us to focus on what we can control and accept what we cannot. The Stoics believed that true happiness comes not from avoiding hardship but from building the inner strength to endure it.

How Do We Build Resilience?

It’s one thing to know resilience is important, but how do we actually build it?

We can start by shifting the way we talk about hard things, both to ourselves and to our kids. Instead of avoiding them, we can:

Reframe challenges – Instead of "This is too hard," say "This is tough, but I’ll get through it." Normalize mistakes – Instead of "I failed," say "I learned something." Model resilience – Instead of "This is a disaster," say "This is frustrating, but I can figure it out." Use process-based praise – "Look how you stuck with that even when it was tricky."

This is the foundation of a Growth Mindset, a concept developed by psychologist Carol Dweck, which teaches that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and perseverance. When children learn to embrace challenges instead of fearing failure, they build resilience, confidence, and a lifelong love of learning.

Resilience isn’t about never struggling. It’s about trusting that you can get through struggles and teaching your kids the same.

But What About When Things Feel Really Hard?

There’s a difference between normal life challenges and overwhelming hardship. Sometimes, things aren’t just tricky, they’re crushing.

In those moments, resilience doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine. It means:

Allowing yourself to feel the hard emotions. Reaching out for support, because resilience isn’t a solo sport. Reminding yourself that this is temporary, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

We don’t build resilience by ignoring difficulties. We build it by acknowledging them and taking one small step forward at a time.

Teaching Our Kids and Ourselves That Happiness Isn’t the Goal

If we want to raise children who can handle life’s ups and downs, we have to stop making happiness the ultimate goal.

Instead of asking, "Are you happy?" ask:

How are you feeling right now? What’s been tricky today? What’s something you worked through?

Because if kids learn that happiness is the only thing that matters, they’ll think something is wrong when they don’t feel happy.

The truth? Happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a side effect of resilience.

So today, on the UN International Day of Happiness, I’m not wishing for endless happiness.

I’m wishing for the resilience to face life’s ups and downs, to find joy in the small moments, and to teach my kids that they are strong enough to handle whatever comes their way.

Because true happiness isn’t about making life easy.

It’s about knowing we can handle the hard parts, too.

Want to teach your child about this stuff but not quite sure where to start? My Mindset Made Easy programme supports families (both the parents and the children) to do exactly this. Find out more here.